“By day the Lord directs his love, at night his song is with me— a prayer to the God of my life.” Psalm 42:8 NIV
When I was a little girl, I loved to sing. I always had a song in my heart and I was not afraid to sing out, loud and bold. Mostly, I sang the songs I heard each week at Sunday school. Songs about God’s love and Jesus. I came to a saving knowledge of Jesus at the young age of four. I had a sweet and pure love for my Savior and I was confident in who he made me to be. My dreams for my future were crystal clear. I wanted to be a wife, a mother and a nurse and maybe have a singing career on the side. The sky was the limit!
As I grew older, my heart song began to fade. Brokenness and pain entered and my pure and innocent view of this world became cloudy and my idea of God shifted. I saw Him as cold, distant, judgmental. Unable to shield me from the darkest pain. The voices in this world, the lies of the evil one, began to drown out my heart song until it was all but forgotten. Whole chambers of my heart, wounded and shut tight.
It was not until I was in my twenties that I began to slowly open my heart to Jesus again. It was then that I began to hear God’s song for me. I had all but forgotten the word’s yet He was singing over me. Reminding me of who He made me to be.
Now nearly two decades later, my heart continues to open, one chamber at a time. I am finding my voice, my song. In the last few years, our adoption process has been a catalyst in this. I have learned so much about the truth of who God is through this long journey. He is much bigger, immeasurably more than I can imagine.
Our daughter will come from a place of brokenness. She can’t come to us any other way. She will have wounds that cut deep, deeper than I will ever fully understand. In this time of waiting, I have had to search my own heart, uncovering my old wounds. I have felt the need to experience first hand God’s healing touch so that I can know with certainty that He is more than able to bring wholeness to my daughter.
I have sought Jesus in my deepest and darkest pain, asking Him, “Where were you in those hard places?”
He has answered me tenderly, ” I was with you, I was holding you. These moments broke me as well.”
Yet it does not end there, He also desires to take my pain, all of it. It is finished. He has payed for my sin and brokenness in full. Lying down His own life, breaking for me. Breaking for the whole of this world, conquering death once and for all.
He offers all who are willing, eternal life and a new song. He exchanges our pain for His perfect peace, His beauty for our ashes.
On the other side of this great big world, God is singing over one special little girl. She is not alone. Jesus sits with her in her pain, holding her in her waiting. He is singing over her, teaching her His song for her.
Here, in my waiting, Jesus sits with me. In my heartache and longing, He is holding me. In the shelter of His wings, I am finding my voice, my song. Far from perfect, off key mostly, with no singing career in my future. Yet nonetheless, a strong and steady song. A song of relentless love, hope and freedom. A song that brings healing and peace. The song that my heart was made to sing.
“You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance.” Psalm 32:7 NIV
“Sing a new song to the LORD, for he has done wonderful deeds. His right hand has won a mighty victory; his holy arm has shown his saving power!” Psalms 98:1 NLT