I am sitting by myself on a park bench, enjoying a cup of coffee. A cool breeze blowing, the warm evening sun filtering through the trees. A special treat and a much needed reprieve from a busy, usually crazy bedtime routine.
Time alone. This should speak freedom. Instead it seems foreign. Striking an unsettling cord.
Absent of noise, the quiet seems deafening. Without the meeting of obvious, persistent needs , I feel void of purpose. Minus the whirling, spinning, constant activity, the stillness unnerves me.
At one time, I welcomed solitude like an old comfortable friend. Though I crave it now, I scramble to find ways to busy myself. To fill the hole. Failing to carve out time to find rest for my weary, nearly worn out, thread barren soul.
In pouring out, I am empty. Void of purpose, I am lost. Examining within, fear surfaces. Fear that I may have lost myself in this pouring out.
Sometimes I have the urge to have an all-out, two-year-old tantrum.
Stomping my feet, flailing about, yelling out, “What about me!”
Then I remember, I am the grown-up here.
That the sum total of this life is much greater than me.
Pouring out ones life, laying it down for another,
this is where abundant life begins.
Instead in my fear, my flailing, I call out,
“Jesus, my Jesus.”
He draws near.
He stills my flailing fears.
In the quiet, I begin to hear Him.
In the void, I find my purpose in Him.
In the laying down of self, He lifts me up.
I find rest. He restores my weary soul.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28
Our family has had a busy and productive few weeks. We have completed a great deal of paper work for our home study and last Monday we had our in-home visit with our social worker. The visit went well. We felt a great deal of peace and clarity. Even so, at times it has taken its toll on us emotionally and spiritually. We are learning to give ourselves and each other much more grace in this season.
We feel God working in mighty ways. He continues to strengthen us and provide for all of our needs. Our faith and a greater understanding of His love continues to grow. There are times that we also sense the devil trying to derail God’s plan. It is a journey but also a battle. We are making steps forward and fighting hard through strongholds. We appreciate the many ways each of you have come along side to pray, support and encourage us. We ask for your continued prayers as we press on to the greater goal that we are called to. Each day our hearts yearning more for the child that God has planned for our family.
We hope to send out another update in the next few weeks as we wrap up our home study and continue to prepare our dossier to be sent to Bulgaria. We will soon be needing to raise funds for the upcoming steps in our process. In our next update we will fill you in more on our upcoming fundraising plans, financial goals and ways to help.
In love and grace,
[Photo credit: Victor Bezrukov]