Today marks fifteen months since we were first registered with Bulgaria. Our hearts first saying “yes” to the call of adoption more than two and half years ago. It’s been a long road and our daughter still remains unknown to us. The journey to bring her home and win her heart is still marked with many obstacles.
Some days, I am able to hold hope close and find strength for this journey. Other days, I try vainly to grab tight, fists clinched, to some level of perceived control. To only be left feeling depleted and afraid. The waiting physically painful at times.
I asked a friend who is on a similar journey, waiting for her forever child, “Why does this waiting hurt so much when I don’t even know who my daughter is yet?”
She replied, “It hurts because we know our children are alive, alone and waiting for their forever family.”
I felt less alone in the waiting when my friend so honestly echoed my own weary heart. Yet it made my heartache all the more. I long to hold my daughter tight and whisper in her ear, “You are home. You are loved. I am your forever Mommy.”
Yet, I know that she is not mine to hold. Not now, not ever really. She is God’s child just as each of my biological children are. With his hands, creating each one, fearfully and wonderfully. It is He holding the plans of their lives. It is He who has ordained the number of their days.
Our daughter will be a gift received and held with open hands. A good and perfect gift from the Father of Heavenly Lights.
Today I sing a song of surrender.
A song to the One who holds the whole of this big broken world in His hands.
A song to the One who created me and has ordained all my days.
A song to the One who sees me and knows me. Relentlessly pursing me. His love for me, never ending.
A song to the One who holds me tight in my weary waiting.
A song to the One who holds our daughter in His loving arms. She is never alone. He is her place of refuge, her home.
Today, I sing a song of surrender and I release my hopes, my dreams and my timeline. With opens hands I wait for the Father of Heavenly Lights who does not change like shifting shadows. (James 1:17 NIV)
This post is part of the I Will Sing series.