Heather Mitchell

“In the morning, Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait expectantly.”
‭‭Psalm‬ ‭5:3‬

I reluctantly write this because I want to be able to bring the good news of a referral. That the long awaited day has finally come and we are now matched with our daughter. Unfortunately this is not the case and to be honest my heart aches. It has been more than 17 months and we continue to wait.

I would like to say that I am at peace in the waiting and sometimes I am. Mostly it is hard and it hurts. I have a mix of emotions. Joy wells up inside of me when I think about first meeting and getting to know our daughter. Yet I feel sad and I am grieving as I begin to process all that I will have missed out on in her life. The pain that she will have experienced and all that I could not protect her from. The many layers of brokenness that come with adoption.

You might ask, would we have chosen international adoption if we knew beforehand how hard and long the wait would be?

YES. A thousand times YES.

Our daughter is in Bulgaria and our hearts will not rest nor our ladybug prayers cease until she is home.

Despite the twists and turns of my emotions, there is an unexplainable hope and unstoppable love within me that continues to prevail. I know that God will strengthen and equip us for all that lies ahead.

Though our daughter remains unknown to us and is on the other side of this great big world, our love for her grows stronger each day. She is relentlessly loved and fully known by God. He is ever present, always near. He is redeeming and restoring her.

In this unknown waiting, I sense His constant presence. He is near and I am clinging to Him. He continues to comfort, replenish and reassure me.

He is ever present and always good.
He is moving in mighty ways in our home, in my own heart and on the behalf of our little ladybug in Bulgaria.

With the unexplainable hope and unstoppable love that only comes from Him, I cling and I wait.

“Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.

I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.””

‭‭Lamentations‬ ‭3:21-24‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“O LORD, my heart is not proud, nor my eyes haughty; Nor do I involve myself in great matters, Or in things too difficult for me. Surely I have composed and quieted my soul; Like a weaned child rests against his mother, My soul is like a weaned child within me.”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭131:1-2‬ ‭NASB‬‬

A few nights ago, I awoke from a dream so sweet that it’s memory lingers like a piece of rich chocolate savored. Too soon dissolving yet the essence remains long after. In my dream, it was a normal day in our home, busy, energized, chaotic at times. In the whirl-wind of family life, I stopped and looked down, at my feet stood a small girl with dark hair and big dark eyes looking up at me. I thought to myself, “This must seem so crazy for her”. I then, reached down and scooped her up into my arms. Holding her close, she nestled in, quiet and content.

This dream brought me hope and my heart is grateful for the gift. It also caused me to pause and consider my posture with God when life becomes overwhelming and out of control.

Do I hold on to a false sense of control? Do I grow distant and restless, resisting his love and care for me? Do I fully trust him when life does not make sense, in ALL circumstances? Can I hold on to hope even when the waiting continues?

Or, do I nestle in? Do I rest and abide in His tender care and generous love? Do I trust that He is working in mighty ways in my life and in the lives of those I love? Do I release my grip on control, knowing He is in complete control?

The latter is not an easy posture for me although I know it is where I will find the peace and rest that my soul craves.

In the open-ended waiting, the deep longing for our daughter and in the chaos of my everyday, I am choosing to look up. He is there waiting. He knows my heart. He understands. He scoops me up and holds me close. I nestle in, quiet and content.