Adoption

“O LORD, my heart is not proud, nor my eyes haughty; Nor do I involve myself in great matters, Or in things too difficult for me. Surely I have composed and quieted my soul; Like a weaned child rests against his mother, My soul is like a weaned child within me.”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭131:1-2‬ ‭NASB‬‬

A few nights ago, I awoke from a dream so sweet that it’s memory lingers like a piece of rich chocolate savored. Too soon dissolving yet the essence remains long after. In my dream, it was a normal day in our home, busy, energized, chaotic at times. In the whirl-wind of family life, I stopped and looked down, at my feet stood a small girl with dark hair and big dark eyes looking up at me. I thought to myself, “This must seem so crazy for her”. I then, reached down and scooped her up into my arms. Holding her close, she nestled in, quiet and content.

This dream brought me hope and my heart is grateful for the gift. It also caused me to pause and consider my posture with God when life becomes overwhelming and out of control.

Do I hold on to a false sense of control? Do I grow distant and restless, resisting his love and care for me? Do I fully trust him when life does not make sense, in ALL circumstances? Can I hold on to hope even when the waiting continues?

Or, do I nestle in? Do I rest and abide in His tender care and generous love? Do I trust that He is working in mighty ways in my life and in the lives of those I love? Do I release my grip on control, knowing He is in complete control?

The latter is not an easy posture for me although I know it is where I will find the peace and rest that my soul craves.

In the open-ended waiting, the deep longing for our daughter and in the chaos of my everyday, I am choosing to look up. He is there waiting. He knows my heart. He understands. He scoops me up and holds me close. I nestle in, quiet and content.

Today marks fifteen months since we were first registered with Bulgaria. Our hearts first saying “yes” to the call of adoption more than two and half years ago. It’s been a long road and our daughter still remains unknown to us. The journey to bring her home and win her heart is still marked with many obstacles.

Some days, I am able to hold hope close and find strength for this  journey. Other days, I try vainly to grab tight, fists clinched, to some level of perceived control. To only be left feeling depleted and afraid. The waiting physically painful at times.

I asked a friend who is on a similar journey, waiting for her forever child, “Why does this waiting hurt so much when I don’t even know who my daughter is yet?”

She replied, “It hurts because we know our children are alive, alone and waiting for their forever family.”

I felt less alone in the waiting when my friend so honestly echoed my own weary heart. Yet it made my heartache all the more. I long to hold my daughter tight and whisper in her ear, “You are home. You are loved. I am your forever Mommy.”

Yet, I know that she is not mine to hold. Not now, not ever really. She is God’s child just as each of my biological children are. With his hands, creating each one, fearfully and wonderfully. It is He holding the plans of their lives. It is He who has ordained the number of their days.

Our daughter will be a gift received and held with open hands. A good and perfect gift from the Father of Heavenly Lights.

Today I sing a song of surrender.

A song to the One who holds the whole of this big broken world in His hands.

A song to the One who created me and has ordained all my days.

A song to the One who sees me and knows me. Relentlessly pursing me. His love for me, never ending.

A song to the One who holds me tight in my weary waiting.

A song to the One who holds our daughter in His loving arms. She is never alone. He is her place of refuge, her home.

Today, I sing a song of surrender and I release my hopes, my dreams and my timeline. With opens hands I wait for the Father of Heavenly Lights who does not change like shifting shadows. (James 1:17 NIV)

This post is part of the I Will Sing series.

“Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
‭‭Philippians 1:6 NIV‬‬

I first launched MagnoliaHeart more than two years ago as a way to share how God was stirring in my heart and to chronicle our family’s journey. A few months later we began our adoption process.

I never would have imagined how much I would grow in my walk with God through this process. How much deeper I would come to understand His great love for me and who I am in Christ. How broken and completely dependent I would become on His strength, mercy and grace.

The waiting has been painfully hard at times. I have longed for our fifth child, our little girl, for such a long time. It has not been an easy journey and I know that the road ahead will have many hardships. Even so, I am thankful for this journey. So grateful for this time of waiting and growing.

Good things take time.

For more than two years, God has stirred my heart and given me a clearer vision of who I am called to be and the unique ways in which He is leading our family for His Kingdom. He has given me the words and He is formulating a story within my heart.

I knew that my blog would be a way to chronicle our adoption journey but I did not realize how much I would truly enjoy writing. It has become a creative outlet, a place to record God’s faithfulness in this season of waiting. I wonder what the next two years will hold?

Today, I would like to share with you my new mission statement and bio. Giving words not for who I am or what our family represents but instead for who we are becoming. Intentionally yet never perfectly, living into these words.

I would be honored if my subscribers were the first to read this. Click here to read My Story, a journey that continues to unfold and has really just begun.

Thank you to all who have journeyed with us from the beginning and to those who have more recently joined us. For waiting, hoping and praying with us and for us.

Imagine the joy we will share with each of you, when we finally welcome our daughter home. You each play a significant role in our story and I am ever grateful.

“Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.”
‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭13:7‬ ‭NLT‬‬

As the gap closes on our wait, my children continue to amaze me with their capacity to love someone they have yet to meet.

Prayers for their future sister have gone from being an occasional prayer now and then to daily and they are so very genuine and sweet. Their hearts are open and ready to welcome a new sibling into our family. They long to know her, have her home and share their love with her.

We have endearingly nicknamed our soon to be daughter and sister, Ladybug. With this warm spell and Valentine’s Day, we are seeing ladybugs everywhere. Each time I see one it makes me smile and I say a prayer for her. It may seem a little silly but even so, hope bubbles up inside me. Love always hopes and so with this simple act, I am renewed in the waiting.

Share the Love

[Read more…] about Share the Love

For family movie night recently we watched, “The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe”. While watching I was reminded that waiting can sometimes feel like Narnia before Aslan. Always winter and never Christmas.

This must be how those waiting for Jesus’ birth must have felt. Their hope wavering with each generation and passing year.

Now as we celebrate Advent we may feel the same ache of hopelessness. We may be in a season of waiting, relentless hardships or a deep valley of grieving. The holidays may hold the burden of past memories that are anything but joy filled.
[Read more…] about Always Winter and Never Christmas