Magnolia Heart

Uncovering Beauty, Embracing Brokenness, Discovering Joy.

Family

Walking by Faith

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“The only thing worse than being blind is having sight but no vision.” Helen Keller

Until now, I’ve never felt like it was my place to tell my husband, Robert’s story. He see’s the world differently than me, different from most of us. Yet, what he see’s and does not see effects how I see. It has changed the way I view life, circumstances and people. It has framed the way our children have learned to see from birth. His story is part of mine, part of the fabric of our family.

More than eighteen years ago, on our very first date, what I saw was a man who was not afraid to be himself. He was funny, lighthearted and easy to be with. I saw him as someone whom I connected deeply with. Someone who helped me forget about my woes and worries and just laugh. Someone who looked beyond my flaws and brokenness and saw my heart as beautiful. Someone whom I saw as beautiful. This someone, was the one I had waited and prayed for. The one I knew that I loved. This was and still is enough for me.

On our first date, the two of us walked together on a nearby city street. I recall that it was then that he told me that he saw only a fraction of what I saw. He was already blind at night and his eye sight would continue to get worse. I remember feeling scared but also relieved. This was no life sentence, he was not a ticking time bomb. Even without his sight, he would still be the man I was falling head over heels for. I knew with an unwavering certainty that this would not be his journey to take alone. From that point forward, it was our journey of faith to walk together.

Fast forward to eight years ago, his eye sight was at the point where he was considered legally blind which is about twenty percent field of vision. With only a few months to go before we welcomed our fourth child into the world, he chose to stop driving. This adding a layer of challenge to our life, resting the sole responsibility of driving our growing crew on me. This was no easy decision. He loved to drive. Loved the wide open road, a lazy Sunday drive, a tree lined street, a curvy mountain adventure. He gave up this love for a greater love—for the safety and protection of his family.

Now today, eight years later, his eye sight continues to diminish. His field of vision now less than ten percent. You may wonder what his and our family’s future holds, the outlook may seem bleak. You may feel pity but please don’t. There is nothing in our story that should evoke even a twinge of pity. Yes, our road has not been an easy one. Our journey has had its road bumps but we are all the more stronger for them. Our vision and faith expanding with each passing year.  I am not going to tell you that I am not scared. At times, I am overwhelmed by the weight of it all yet I know that we are not on this journey alone. We have someone much greater walking with us, providing richly in every way and paving the way for a future bright with possibility and beauty. Nothing is impossible with our God.

In November, our family will be expanding yet again. We will be welcoming a new member into our family. One who will be a great assist and constant companion to Robert and a joy to everyone in our family. Robert will be spending two weeks away preparing for this transition. By Thanksgiving our new friend will be home with us!!

Robert has spent the last 8 years depending on the aid of a cane. Using it on dark walks on his early morning commute to work, traversing through crowds and unfamiliar streets. In November, he will have a living, breathing, faithful guide to walk beside him and be his eyes, to see what he can not. As this time approaches we feel some apprehension but also so much relief and gratitude. The uncertainty in Robert’s future feels less daunting, our new friend bringing with them, security and greater independence.

In Robert’s life, he has faced many challenges. I have always been inspired by his faith, resilience, courage and humor in the face of the dark unknown. I believe God has and will continue to use him and our family in mighty ways for His Kingdom. For our family, this means taking each step as it comes, no matter how dark the path may seem, knowing that not once have we ever walked alone.

Here Robert begins to tell the story of taking the first uncertain step into a new chapter. His story is still unfolding and we invite you to subscribe and follow along.

“For we live by faith, not by sight.”‭‭ 2 Corinthians‬ ‭5:7‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”” ‭‭Deuteronomy‬ ‭31:6‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Mercy in the Middle

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photo by Grace
photo by Grace

This year has stretched me. Too many plates, stacked too high, leaning at a precarious angle. Doomed to fall over, crashing down, breaking in a million tiny pieces. Threatening to break me. The last several months have been a blur of back to back therapy sessions and specialist appointments, hard diagnoses, conflicts in relationships, hardships for those I love. Not to mention everyday life: balancing obligations, dealing with sibling squabbles, preteen angst and toddler meltdowns, finding a healthy balance between work and rest, just to list a few.

I know I’m not alone in this. We all face struggles and hardships. We each experience seasons where we are stretched to our max. At some point or another, we all feel like our plates may come crashing down, threatening to break us. In these times, we could all use a soft place to land. To find rest from our worries, relief from our weariness.

My heart has felt restless, anxious over many things. In this stretching, in the mix of fear and uncertainty, I am leaning hard into the truth of who God is. My understanding rooting deeper into God’s love and tender care for me. In the middle of these challenges and hardships, I am becoming more aware of and depending more fully on His ever present mercy. Allowing myself to sit in the tension of uncertainty, remaining present in the moment, taking each day as it comes. His mercy meeting me in the middle of what seems like a mess. I am continually releasing all that I hold tightly to, laying down each burden.

Surrendering it all, I let go, falling smack dab in the middle of His mercy—the softest place to land.

Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning.”‭‭

Lamentations‬ ‭3:21-23‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.”‭‭

Matthew‬ ‭11:28‬ ‭NLT‬‬

A New Thing

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“”Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” ‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭43:18-19‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Our oldest turned thirteen in January. Time feels like sand sifting through my fingers. Wasn’t it just yesterday when she moved in my belly, when I first held her in my arms? Her birth making me a mother. She is becoming more lovely with each passing year. At times I can miss the glimmers of God’s beauty, the glimpses of His glory emerging, moving and growing within my children.

He is doing a new thing! This growth so obvious in our littlest one. Today marks six months since Hope arrived home. Each day she smiles and laughs more, delighting us all. Each day she is growing not only in height and weight (she has grown more 3 inches and gained 6lbs since August!) but in every developmental area.

A cloud of despair has lifted. I look at her now and I see someone so very different from the little one we first meet in May. With a place to belong and under the cover of love, she has been set free. She is unfurling, beginning to bloom, becoming all that God has created her to be.

In the day to day, I am feeling something shift within me. A deeper awareness of God’s work in our home. I am slowly learning to let go and be present to His active movement. Trusting that my children’s growth is NOT dependent on me. It is ALL dependent on Him. Our Author and Perfecter, the One who is able to do immeasurably more than all I can ask or imagine.

Lord Jesus, Many times I can live distracted by hurry, blinded by fear. Things can seem messy, uncertain and out of my control. Circumstances can seem impossible, sometimes broken beyond repair.

Even so, you are in control, holding all things together. In the impossibly messy, broken and uncertain circumstances you are at work, renewing and redeeming. You are doing a new thing!

Lord, I want to see!

Give me your grace for this day and eyes to perceive your beauty and glory all around.

To God be the Glory, Forever, Amen.

“To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the Lord has planted for his own glory.” Isaiah‬ ‭61:3‬ ‭NLT‬‬

“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.” ‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭3:20-21‬ ‭NIV‬‬

““What do you want me to do for you?” “Lord, I want to see,” he replied. Jesus said to him, “Receive your sight; your faith has healed you.”” ‭‭Luke‬ ‭18:41-42‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Living Small

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Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
– Mother Teresa

In this season of welcoming our youngest daughter into our family, we are keeping our life small, our days simpler, our obligations minimal. With five children our days are still full, still chaotic to most outsiders. Yet we are intentionally leaving space for our sweet Hope to grow, to feel safe and to learn what the love of a family looks like. Broadening her experiences slowly and gently, we are hoping to teach her that she can fully rely on us to meet her needs and wholeheartedly trust that we are here to stay.

Hope is growing in every way. Physically and developmentally, she is doing so much more than when we first met her in May. She is beginning to take her first wobbly steps. Bravely trying new foods, like bites of whole strawberries, avocados and banana. She is starting to form sounds that are resembling words. We believe her first word is “Cat”, as she repeats with great excitement the same babble word every time she sees our cat, Cinnamon.

A good friend of mine who is an adoptive mother of four, recently described attachment as a delicate dance. Both child and parent finding their steps and stumbling at times. In the day to day, attachment seems slow and hard. Yet when I am paying attention, I can see small glimmers of progress as deeper bonds are forming with each interaction. She now looks for me, coming to me for reassurance all throughout her day. She is beginning to respond to me when I call her name and when she is upset I am able to comfort and reassure her more easily. I relish in the moments when she looks me in the eyes and gives a smile, meant only for me.

Slowly, Hope is warming up to her siblings, learning her place in our family. Beginning to embrace the rhythms and routines of our home. Our four older children are learning greater compassion for their little sister, who has had a harder start in this world and needs extra patience and consideration. All in all, I am blown away by their deepening love and the sacrifices they have been willing to make. I have no doubt that they will be her biggest fans and fiercest protectors throughout her life.

We are living in a sort of bubble but our calendar is still filling up and I am literally feeling the weight of it on my shoulders. Our homeschool day looks anything but typical. Our calendar no longer filled with as many social engagements or afternoon park dates but with doctors appointments and in-home therapies. Hope has weekly in-home visits with speech, physical and occupational therapy as well as a Vision Specialist and Infant Developmental Specialist. We have these services through the Regional Center of the East Bay until Hope turns 3 years old. We are so grateful to have these services available to us in her first year home. We know that with love and care, Hope will make leaps and bounds in her development.

In the next couple of months, we will have appointments with a variety of specialist and we are hopeful this will help us gain information on how to best care for Hope. Encouraging and supporting her to learn and grow to her fullest potential.

Not long ago, I was listening to a podcast and I remember one of the woman speaking said something that really resonated with me. In brief, she said something along the lines of: When life feels too big that is when we need to live small. Allowing God to take His rightful place in our lives, surrendering control. Letting Him bear the burden that we were never meant to carry.

I feel the weight of it all and I am tired and weary yet I am learning to take each day as it comes, one small step at a time. In our time of waiting for Hope, I found that I can rely on and trust in God at an even deeper level. Resting in His good and perfect plan even when life feels uncertain. Witnessing in tangible ways that He is so much bigger than any circumstance, any burden, any trouble we may face.

Just as we are caring for Hope, our sweet small one, God is doing this for me. When I feel small and weak, He is strong, more than able. He tucks me safe into the palm of His hand, exactly where I belong. It is here that I find the rest that my soul yearns for and my burdens again feel light. Small in comparison to His great love and tender care for me.

“He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young.”
‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭40:11‬ ‭NIV‬‬

““Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.””
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭11:28-30‬ ‭NIV‬‬

““I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.””
‭‭John‬ ‭16:33‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Unwavering Hope

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“Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised.”
‭‭Romans‬ ‭4:20-21‬ ‭NIV‬‬

For four long years, I waited for my husband. Four years of not dating and standing by each one of my close friends as one by one they found love and married. In this waiting, I filled journal after journal with prayer after prayer asking God to provide a husband for me. Seeking hard after His will, not my own. Drawing near to Jesus in this barren place. This place that many times felt uncertain and hopeless.

As time went on and the waiting continued, I began to find hope in this barren place. God was tangibly near. My prayers slowly changed to expectant prayers. I poured out my deep desires, my hopes and dreams, for my future husband. I began to pray for Him as if He were somewhere out there, also waiting for me.

With unwavering hope, I waited for the man God had chosen for me. Soon after Christmas, a few weeks after being yet another bridesmaid, I unexpectedly met my husband at a holiday dinner out with friends. It was winter break, smack dab in the middle of my last year of nursing school. I knew from our first meeting that God had brought someone special into my life.

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Hidden Hope

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“You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance.” Psalm‬ ‭32:7‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Our chickens began laying eggs a few weeks ago. The first egg caught us all by surprise. We did not anticipate eggs for a couple more months. One morning, I noticed our biggest hen, Lily acting somewhat peculiar. She was much more vocal and pacing back and forth from the coup to the run. I peeked inside the coup and hidden in the pine shavings, lay a beautiful brown egg.

Since than, each day one child or another will go out back to the coup with hope-filled anticipation to find one or two light to dark brown or even a pale green egg (from Tulip our Americana, AKA our “Easter egger”), hidden in a nesting box. Each time, we still find ourselves pleasantly surprised. Each egg is celebrated, gently cupped and carried inside with reverence. I am sure the excitement will wane over time. Although I do hope a spark of joy and a glimmer of hope remains in the finding and receiving of this small yet rich gift.

Our growing supply of fresh eggs is a daily reminder for me to look for rich gifts from God found in hidden places. In the nooks and crannies of a hectic morning, an average afternoon and the mundane daily tasks and errands. Between the rock and the hard place in relationships. In the waiting for day break and in the dark and restless nights. Evidence of His love surrounds us. His hope hiding in the most unlikely places.

With fresh eyes, I am beginning to see a hope that is invisible to the unaware eye. Between the rock and the hard place of waiting, my heart is adjusting to a new way of seeing. I am paying closer attention, becoming more aware of God’s finger prints, His gentle whispers and His hidden love notes that constantly surrounded us. His love and tender care, tucked in every nook and cranny of our life.

My heart yearns every day for our daughter in Bulgaria. I often wonder when our wait will end and we will finally welcome our long hoped for child home. Even so, I am finding peace, my hope resting more and more in Jesus. Just as he surrounds and covers me, I know He is doing the same for our daughter. He hides her in His love. She is seen and known by her Maker. Her Heavenly Father has not forgotten nor forsaken her.

On an average, unsuspecting day, our hopes will come to fruition. We will finally receive the long awaited phone call. Tucked in a long distance email, we will first lay eyes on our daughter. Beholding this rich gift with eyes that see beyond skin deep. Deep into a beautiful heart that was fearfully and wonderfully made for our family. Woven together in a secret, unseen place by the One who still sees, holds and carries her.

We wait, daily taking hold of this hidden, unseen hope. Placing our faith in the One who sees and holds our weary hearts. We trust that in His perfect time, He will cup her in His loving embrace and gently carry her home to us.

“For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.” Romans‬ ‭8:24-25‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Lord Jesus,
You never grow weary. You are with us in our everyday struggles, our brokenness and our battles. You are protecting us and providing for us in big, small and unseen ways. Every last detail is held and sifted through your loving hands.

Today, I will place my hope in you for you never change, never waver, never stop loving, never stop fighting for us. You are always faithful and you are making a way.

“Your Kingdom come. Your will be done.
On earth as it is in Heaven.”

“For Yours is the Kingdom and the Power and the Glory, Forever, Amen.”
(Matt. 6:9-10; 6:13)

Additional verses that inspired this post:

“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” ‭‭James‬ ‭1:17‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”
‭‭Psalm‬ ‭139:13-16‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“However, as it is written: “What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived” — the things God has prepared for those who love him—”
‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭2:9‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever— the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you. I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. Before long, the world will not see me anymore, but you will see me. Because I live, you also will live.”
‭‭John‬ ‭14:16-19‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Far Sweeter

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““I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing.”
‭‭John‬ ‭15:5‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

Today as a pulled off clusters of tiny green apples from our Pink Lady apple tree, I was reminded that sometimes we have to let go of something good to receive something better.

As I plucked tiny apple after tiny apple, I felt a little remorse yet even more, I felt anticipation. Early this autumn, there will be homegrown pink blushed apples to enjoy. Far less than I have had to discard yet they will be ours, ripe and sweet. If I failed to thin the tree, it would not produce such wonderful fruit and the burden of so much would only hinder both the fruit and tree’s growth.

This simple yearly task reflects my own journey. How I too have had to let go of good desires so that God can fulfill even greater purposes in and through me. How His desires for my life far exceed my own.

This season of waiting and abiding has been tough. Laying down my own timeline, desires and expectations has been a painful process. Yet I know that with God, my waiting is not wasted. He is cultivating something much richer and deeper, far sweeter than I can imagine.

“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,”
‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭3:20‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Family Update:

As we continue to wait much longer than anticipated, we can see how God continues to grow our hearts and our family, preparing us for all that our journey holds. This season has been amazing in many ways yet also extremely hard. Especially on my mama heart.

I am finding contentment and pleasure in the simple things in life right now. Wonder-filled moments with our ever growing children, our four new chickens and our thriving garden are all bringing renewed life and a positive distraction in this extended season of waiting.

I share with you these simple pleasures yet keep in mind that you are not seeing our true reality. These pictures do not capture the noise, siblings squabbles, meltdowns and the just plain messiness and complexity that life lived together brings.

Our prayer needs:

We know that the Ministry of Justice in Bulgaria is considering our family on a weekly basis. What we are waiting for now is a child that fits our family’s profile to be ready for adoption.

Join us in praying that God will open wide the doors that need to be opened for us to be matched with our daughter. We believe that this is a spiritual battle. The evil one does not want orphans to find families. Even so, we know that Our God is greater and He has already proclaimed victory over our daughter. Please pray that we will continue to trust in His power and perfect timing. May His peace reign in our hearts and home as we wait.

Thank you so much for your prayers and continued support. We are ever grateful.

Finding Her Song

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“By day the Lord directs his love, at night his song is with me— a prayer to the God of my life.” Psalm 42:8 NIV

When I was a little girl, I loved to sing. I always had a song in my heart and I was not afraid to sing out, loud and bold. Mostly, I sang the songs I heard each week at Sunday school. Songs about God’s love and Jesus. I came to a saving knowledge of Jesus at the young age of four. I had a sweet and pure love for my Savior and I was confident in who he made me to be. My dreams for my future were crystal clear. I wanted to be a wife, a mother and a nurse and maybe have a singing career on the side. The sky was the limit!

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